If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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