You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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