Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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