I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
