I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
