Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i've created a new STD.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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