I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
