Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
not ubering you a puppy
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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