my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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