I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
