I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
