Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Someone shit on the floor
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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