i think my mom watched the whole time
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize