You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
