I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
