Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
