For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
