just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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