3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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