got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need to sanitize my soul.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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