literally had 100 drinks last night.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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