There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
