But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
