Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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