I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
