If i come over, it means nothing
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
