im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
