theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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