I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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