I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I came so hard my ears popped.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
