just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
