when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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