Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
whose ass print is on the piano?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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