I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize