Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
