my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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