Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
