im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
