guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
