I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize