I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
