ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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