Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
