remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
