I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
