I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
