I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You may now shotgun with the bride
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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