Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
