i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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