sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
