I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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