Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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