I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
God, I missed his penis.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize