i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
