We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
