My nipple is on Facebook.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
