We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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