when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize