if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
