I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
