it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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